the blizzog @ jamiegaines.com

Dick Clark shouldn't do any more New Year's Rockin' Eves. You know you are thinking it too. I'm right, aren't I? Don't get me wrong, I feel awful for the guy, and I'm glad for him that he's still able to do something he clearly loves. But just because he can do it, does it mean that we have to like it? It bums me out. And let's face it, that's really the last emotion you want to feel when you're getting ready to ring in the New Year. You're all like, "Wow, this year is going to be great. I'm going to fulfill all my hopes and dreams," and you're feeling pretty upbeat - and maybe a little buzzed - and then they flash poor Dick up on the screen to slur down the final seconds of the old year.... ... and then it's the New Year but you're too busy thinking about Dick and how hard it must've been for him to teach himself to speak again and how energetic he used to be and sound, and how now he just seems old and sad. Courageous, yes, and perhaps inspiring, but more old and sad. And then you're not thinking about all your hopes and dreams for the New Year. You're thinking, "Shit, I hope I don't have a stroke." And what fun is that? I think someone in the organization needs to sit Dick down and say, "Remember when Michael Jordan came back and played for the Wizards? And it was kinda cool to see him, but he really wasn't the same Michael, and ultimately it was a big bummer...." Or they should say, "Remember the last season of 'Growing Pains', when Mike Seaver was a teacher and it was just kinda weird and awkward and not really very good?" Or they should say, "Remember Caddyshack II, or Teen Wolf Too or Staying Alive? Do you see where this is going?" Alas, I'm guessing that my plea will fall on deaf ears. After all, I think Dick Clark owns 86% of Hollywood, so it's likely that he's going to go when he's damn good and ready. He's definitely earned the right, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. In fact, I've decided what I'm going to do about it. And no, smarty pants, it's not going to be "change the channel" or "watch something else, asshole." You think I'm seriously going to watch Carson Daly? There's not enough booze on the planet for that to happen. No, what I'm going to do is just start pretending that Dick is really Joe Namath. I think it's a win-win for me and Dick. Dick can still keep ringing in the New Year. I can still keep watching, pretending that it's Joe Namath and Suzy Kolber at midnight instead of Dick Clark and Doris Day, and everybody gets to have a truly happy New Year. And that's what it's all about, right?